Laura DeSantis, a licensed therapist based in San Francisco specializing in trauma, has been facilitating live online classes with Coa, an online platform that offers emotional fitness classes and one-on-one therapy, to bolster participants’ mental health. These classes are framed as “group emotional fitness workouts”.

In this interview, Laura shares her insights on how we should approach therapy, how we can find ways to strengthen our mental health, and the importance of giving ourselves permission to express our vulnerability. As Laura said: “Name your emotion. It’s not a luxury, it’s a necessity.”

Many people are typically not taught how to name their emotions. That is usually a skill that is taught, and then practiced, and then mastered.

―― I first learned about your work when I participated in the Live Q&A: Living Solo During the Holidays, right before the Holiday Season. How did the pandemic impact the Holiday Season?

Laura: I was hearing my clients say that they normally love living by themselves, but once they were told to stay inside and be isolated, then challenges started to emerge because they were alone all the time with no other options. I was seeing more anxiety and depression, and people were really missing human connection. The holiday season amplified all of those feelings, and that was when I had the idea of doing the online program.

―― I remember you saying that if you are not in the mood to celebrate, you don’t need to force yourself to enjoy the holiday season with others.

Laura: There is always pressure to have fun during the holidays and have fun with your family, even during a normal year TV shows or advertisements show so much joy during the holidays, and the truth is that this is not a reality for a lot of people. This year, folks had an opportunity to be alone. With that came an opportunity for us to decide, as individuals, how we want to experience this year’s unique holiday situation – whether it was a time of reflection, or just ignoring what day it is.

―― During the Live Q&A, I felt motivated to stay mentally fit, as if I were attending workout classes. I also thought that therapy can actually be a fun activity.

Laura: People have a perception that therapy is intense, scary and serious. It’s important for therapy to be a little lighthearted. It can be therapeutic to laugh at ourselves, and confront some shame with a little bit of humor. If you are in a group, hearing from other people can lighten things up. Then we are not alone. Other people may say something that we can relate to, and it’s serious, or they may joke about something, and it makes us realize that we can laugh at ourselves, too.

―― Do we need to train ourselves to reflect deeply and face our inner pain and suffering, the way we train ourselves in a gym?

Laura: I do agree that there are similarities between physical fitness and emotional well-being. A lot of people are not taught how to name their emotions. That has to be a skill that is taught, and then practiced, and then mastered. Therapy is a great way to work out those muscles, and doing so is an ongoing process towards greater psychological strength. In that sense, it’s a correct metaphor with physical fitness. What is different is that once we face some of our inner demons and confront our suffering, there can be healing. Once you reach that place, you don’t necessarily have to go back to it all the time. It will always be part of your story and have a place in your life, but the ongoing distress it causes won’t be there, and you don’t have to keep reflecting on that pain forever.

When we name a negative emotion, it lessens its intensity.

―― As for therapy, is there a way to identify the problem yourself, and know if you need to see a therapist?

Laura: People go to therapy for all types of reasons. Some people just want therapy to be part of their life and their wellness, or they want to get to know themselves better. That’s a totally valid reason for coming to therapy. Often, people do end up in crisis, and they wait until they’re actually suffering to get help, as we’re not really taught how to notice when we are headed in a bad direction. I generally tell people that if you feel like something is off, something doesn’t quite feel right, you probably are on the right path in terms of thinking that you might need some help. What’s cool about therapy, is that you can come in and say you have not been feeling yourself. A good therapist will say let’s dig into it, and help you sort of break down what you’re noticing. I don’t know if people necessarily realize that therapists can do that, that we can help you identify what’s wrong. At the very least, if you’re dealing with something, whether it’s just anxiety or depression, or addiction, if it’s interfering with your life, like you’re having trouble sleeping, eating, you’re not in the mood to do things that you really like to do, that means that your quality of life is being affected. That is definitely an indicator to get some help. But you don’t have to wait until that point. We can help you to avoid getting to that point, by being a little more proactive.

―― In Japanese culture, people need to overcome personal embarrassment, to express their fears and inner selves. How can people get past that hurdle?

Laura: I know that there are a lot of cultures where this is very common. Talking about emotion is just not something that you do. Saying that you don’t feel well or you have difficult emotions may be seen as a sign of weakness, or that something is wrong with you. And luckily, I think that there are so many people doing amazing work to challenge that, because that is not true. They are pushing back against that stigma in each of us, so we don’t feel powerless to the society that surrounds us, no matter what culture we’re part of. It’s part of therapy to confront some of the shame or embarrassment that comes with saying, I actually am not doing well, and I could use help. And it’s a muscle that needs to be, first of all, identified, and then practiced, and worked. It takes a long time to even be able to name the emotions that people are feeling, because emotions are a set of vocabulary. If you don’t know the words, how can you express yourself? I love teaching people how to name their emotions. There are studies that show with brain scan imagery, that when we name a negative emotion, it lessens its intensity. People notice that happening in therapy, and they feel relieved. Hopefully, that snowballs and leads to more positive outcomes in people’s lives.

To deal with the cultural aspects, it can help to find a therapist that shares your culture or, at the very least, find someone that is proficient with your culture and knows the issues, because it’s not just about learning to name sadness or fear. It’s everything that goes with that, pushing back against everything you’ve been taught and deciding what is working for you and what’s not. It’s a process, but when people start to feel even a little better they get motivated to keep going.

It’s more about knowing ourselves, having self-compassion, and building confidence

―― How can we stay positive and look on the bright side of things, especially during the pandemic?

Laura: It requires a delicate balance. There is a push sometimes for us to just be positive, even when things are really negative. We don’t have to do that. In fact, when we deny reality, we end up suffering. First of all, it’s very important to express yourself honestly if things are bad, or you are really stressed, or there’s a lot of negative stuff going on. If we don’t allow ourselves to have the feeling, it just grows and it’ll come out in other ways, either like crying spells, or lashing out, or using substances too much, or overeating. It’s really important to name the emotion. It’s not a luxury, it’s a necessity. It wouldn’t do anyone any good to say that things are great; however, we don’t want to get stuck in that negativity, at the same time.

I think that having a gratitude practice is so amazing. You can step back, and say things are really hard right now, but you are so grateful that, for example, you have your cat and your partner, or you’re really grateful you got out of bed today. For people with depression, that is a big deal. Just know that there are things to be grateful for. In addition to the gratitude, it’s important to notice where we have control because it’s very human to want to be in control. When we feel we don’t have it, we get anxious. When we find that and hold on to it, we feel more empowered. Noticing where we have agency makes it easier to live outside of the constant negativity;it’s a more balanced way of living.

―― How can we tell if we have succeeded in facing our inner self, or not?

Laura: Success in facing our inner self is going to differ for everybody based on what our values and desires are, and how much we’re willing to examine parts of ourselves that are wounded or that we just don’t like. People generally know when things are not working for them and want to feel “better.” But one of the questions that I often ask in therapy is, when you say you want to feel better, what does that look like? Is it about being able to get out of bed every morning, or getting a particular job? Usually it doesn’t end up being accomplishment-oriented because we can be very accomplished and still be miserable; it’s more about knowing ourselves, having self-compassion, and building confidence.  We tend to treat ourselves better when we understand ourselves. And these aren’t things that can necessarily be measured, but we can feel them. The first relationship and the last you’ll ever have, is with yourself – so nurture it!

The first relationship and the last you’ll ever have, is with yourself.

―― As a professional therapist, do you have any advice for people on how to enjoy the alone time?

Laura: First of all, kudos to people who are learning to be alone and enjoying that solitude. It’s a process, because sometimes we don’t really know ourselves very well. And we have to start to get to know who we are as a friend. Identify things that you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t, then try that. When you’re by yourself, do you tend to zone out and not be present? If you zone out, that might mean there’s some difficulty being by yourself. Maybe anxious thoughts come up. Find activities that matter to you; incorporating your values is really important. I recently saw something, actually on social media, and it was about love languages (the manner in which we best give and receive love).. For some people, they will feel really loved when someone does something nice for them, or says something nice to them. If you know how you would like to be treated by other people, treat yourself that way, and then maybe you’ll enjoy being by yourself more.

―― Lastly, do you have any advice on how we can balance our lives with the social media?

Laura: There are a lot of negatives that come with ongoing social media intake. While it offers connection and entertainment, it’s really addictive. You just end up on your phone scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. It’s not good for your brain. It’s not good for your eyes. Also, how often do you post about having a terrible day, and how bad your hair looks? Rarely, if ever. Everyone puts out their best self, and all you see is the best version of everyone else, and your self-esteem can take a real hit. That’s a big problem. And the way the algorithms work, social media keeps us in an echo chamber, filled with bad news. We have to purposefully fight to get out of that. Balance can look like setting time limits on apps, or putting your phone in a different room at night to avoid scrolling while you’re in bed. It can also look like unfollowing people who cause you stress or make you feel bad about yourself, and, in turn, following accounts that bring you joy. Maybe even go for a walk without your phone and just enjoy the fresh air and your own company!

Laura DeSantis
DeSantis is a licensed Professional Clinical Counselor in the state of California. She earned Master’s degrees in Professional Counseling and in Counseling & Mental Health Services from the University of Pennsylvania. She has a BA in Public Relations and in History from Penn State University. As a therapist, her goal is to foster a space for people to explore what they want for themselves and their lives through introspection, healing, and acceptance of self. She offers an interactive style of therapy that emphasizes personal insight and self-compassion in order to identify harmful thought patterns and behaviors.

Picture Provided Laura DeSantis
Translation Fumiko Miyamoto

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――Upon my research it seems you started Solo Living in 2017. What was your inspiration and motivation to start Solo Living?

Solo Living：I had reached my early 30s and was single. Everyone around me was coupling up, settling down and getting married. I never really felt the drive to settle down, thinking it would just happen for me. Being in a relationship wasn’t out of the question, but it wasn’t a goal either. I know now you have to put the same kind of energy into finding a partner as you would do for a dream job.  Although I did realise I had a lot in my life to be grateful for, and my life was good living alone. I was in no rush to change my relationship status and surprised myself. No one was talking about living alone. The conversation hadn’t started. It took a long time before I felt the time was right to set up Solo Living because as much as I enjoyed living alone; for many years single life and living alone had negative connotations. Thankfully, things are changing.

――What is the age-range of your readers?  If you have wide age-ranging readers, are there any generation age gaps of living a solo lifestyle?

Solo Living：Our readers span across different age groups, but I would say our core readers are aged 34 plus. Most people living alone are older mid-lifers here in the UK, but certainly, younger people are having the chance to live alone and many through choice. Living alone is probably least prevalent amongst 18-24-year-olds who will often live at home with parents or in a house share. Saying that living alone isn’t just about living alone in your own home, as we welcome people living in house shares and single parents in our online communities. We regard Solo Living as a platform for people navigating life solo – carrying the mental load of life on their own – making important decisions for themselves without a partner or being able to share every decision with a partner, friends or a family member.

――How do you feel reflecting back to when you first started Solo Living? Was there a strong and growing reader base from the very beginning?

Solo Living：It’s taken time to build a readership for Solo Living. Talking about living alone and how to present it positively without ignoring the challenges meant from day one,  every piece of content was important. Neither is it easy to set up and build a community online these days. I think we have the combination of living alone, wellbeing and sustainable living on the right track now and our readership has grown fastest over the last year.  Looking back, I’m incredibly pleased with the direction we’re going in. I feel there is still a lot to do and many conversations to be had around living alone so, in many ways I think we’re just getting started!

――It is evident that your media content from your Solo Living writers is very informative and keeps with your mission and brand values. What are some of the things that have changed in your Solo Living Community during the last three years?  Because of your movement, do you feel that you have influenced many people to transition to doing more alone time activities?

Solo Living：My hope is that we encourage Solos to be happier and content in their time spent living alone. To make the most of the freedom and opportunities living solo can bring. To accept living alone can be a good lifestyle choice, even on a temporary basis and for people to feel as though they are not missing out. We also think it is vital to have a good relationship with yourself and have a greater awareness of one’s self.  We want Solos to live well while they are living alone, and that’s why we promote sustainable living and self-care. To answer your question about what has changed, I would say we are helping with wider societal acknowledgement and acceptance of people living alone and that Solos have a voice. We are here to talk about all aspects of living alone by positioning ourselves in the normality of everyday life. We’ve noticed that we are inspiring other Solos to talk more widely on social media about their Solo Living experiences which makes us happy.

――During the last ten years, being alone has become more popular, and for some, it has become a “civil right” in Japan. Some restaurants, cafes and hotels provide specialized services for a party for one.  How about in the UK? Are there any specialized services for a party for one?

 Solo Living：I wouldn’t say we are culturally in the moment of accepting being alone as a ‘civil right’, here in the UK. We’re nowhere near anything like that at all. That being said, it is more acceptable to live alone today than it has been in previous decades – purely because more people are living alone than ever before. A third of households comprise of one person in the UK and some European countries. In Scandinavian countries, the figure is nearer 1 in 2 households. It means more of us are likely to know or have friends and family who are living alone. The acknowledgement contributes to wider acceptance of living alone as a lifestyle.

We still have a long way to go to cater to Solos in the marketplace, although advertisers are showing more Solos in their campaigns. I think Japan is much more forward-thinking in catering for Solos. Dining out alone is yet to be a norm over here, although it is more prevalent in cities like London and Glasgow, where grabbing lunch or a quick dinner alone is catered for in cafes and many restaurants. A few restaurants are making it easier to dine solo and in different ways; but dining solo is not a culturally accepted norm as yet. It also depends where you live. You’re more likely to see solo diners in a busy city rather than remote rural areas. It is rare to see a Solo dining out alone in the evening or making an event of going to a restaurant at night time. Hotel rates here, tend to be the same whether one or two people stay in a room which is an issue for many solo travellers. We have noticed the occasional event and stay packages geared towards Solos but not to the same extent as what is available in Japan by the sound of things.

――In your website, author Ciara McArdle said, “Women aged between 35-44 and 50 and over who have opted to take some ‘me’ time on vacation”. How about the younger generations, are they also travelling alone?  For example, in Japan, young people are travelling alone (Gen Z and Millennials) more than any other generations, regardless of sex.

Solo Living：I think more young people are becoming confident about travelling alone and backpacking in particular. Asian countries prove to be the most popular destinations for solo travellers. Being able to stay connected with friends and family while away means travelling alone doesn’t have to lonely. Affordability and time is another factor, as is designing a bespoke holiday that genuinely caters for individual needs. Here, women are opting to travel Solo as a way of getting some high-quality ‘me-time’ and taking a break from the norms of everyday life. Often the reason is the difficulty of being able to schedule holiday time with family and friends. There’s also the consideration of not being restricted by another person when travelling solo, which means ticking things off your bucket list is easier. It seems people in Japan are more confident and happy to be living alone and travelling solo from a young adult age compared to the UK and Europe. The trend is interesting.

――In your website, the title  “Table for One? Yes please” indicates that many restaurants are offering long benches, communal tables and window seating for the solo diner in the UK. When did this take shape and what caused these types of logistical changes?

Solo Living：Probably in the last five years. It comes with the more general trend of dining out becoming more of a social and casual experience than it was before. Whether you are solo or not, it is easier to pop into a cafe and restaurant and have a quick, relaxed bite to eat and many people prefer to have a drink while they are eating rather than going to the pub. However, some of our members have commented on restaurant experiences where they have felt unwelcome; when staff have embarrassed them because they are dining alone. Clearly, going to formal, family, or romantically oriented restaurants is not a good idea for Solos unless staff truly welcome and treat them well from the moment they walk in the door. We are paying customers just like everyone else. Much of the Solo dining experience depends on the service received by restaurant staff and how well Solos are treated as guests. Good restaurants will know the best table in their restaurant for Solos to feel comfortable, whether it be at the bar where you can chat to staff and other diners or beside a window where you can people-watch at the same time. The very best places will let you choose where you want to sit. I guess no-one has really figured out the business model or viability for creating restaurants that cater specifically for solo diners. Although some high street cafes open during the day make eating lunch alone very easy. Saying that, whether there would be enough trade to build a restaurant around Solos is yet to be established here in the UK.

――It seems for men, the table for one situation is perceived to be normal from a social perception from many years ago. However, for women, it may be perceived to be somewhat negative.  Would you agree or not?

Solo Living：I certainly know more men than women who go out on their own to a bar or restaurant in the evenings. I think it’s getting easier for women to eat out alone. Working women and women taking a solo holiday often have to, if they are away on business or staying at a hotel. I think it’s down to having the confidence to eat out alone. Having an interest in food helps. If dining solo is what you want to do  – male or female, then choose a place that serves good food and where the staff are going to treat you well.

――On your Instagram, there are so many attractive looking food pictures. Who makes these dishes? Do you have any cooking advice or techniques for alone cooking as I don’t see that on your Instagram pages?

Solo Living：I make all the food posted to our Instagram page unless I’m posting about eating out or ordering takeaway, of course! I have plenty of tips for cooking for one but too many to share here. It has taken a long time to get used to cooking for one because I was brought up on great home-cooking made for a family. The most important advice I can give to Solos when cooking for one is to eat well, healthily and make eating at home a joy. Cooking for oneself is a pleasure and a way to decompress at the end of a busy day. It’s something you can do to keep yourself occupied and use the time to mull things over. It’s also a great way to learn something new and build your skills in the kitchen. I have had many moments in the kitchen when I’ve tried to recreate a dish from a restaurant or cook with high-quality ingredients. Giving time and preparing good food for yourself adds to the positive living alone experience. Solo  Living also has a Facebook Group called Solo Dining and a Table for One with over 800 members where we share inspiration and cooking tips. As a member of the group, you don’t feel like you are eating alone because everyone is sharing photos of their food and telling stories of their day.

――Are there any unique solo lifestyle trends in your community and the UK?

For example, in Japan, solo camping has been a huge trend over the last few years. Many people enjoy their Alone time in nature.

Solo Living：Solo dining and solo travel are probably the most prevalent trends accompanied by, and as a consequence of, living alone. We have recently published an article about the Solo  Bikepacking trend, which seems to be growing in popularity in Europe. It’s an easy way for Solos to take a break and travel, particularly during a pandemic. I think solos in the UK value their alone time and most importantly, their home, where they will spend hours at a time and will enjoy their home in a way that is different from others. Home is a sanctuary for Solos. I think a trend would be  Solos finding it essential to stay socially connected with friends and family while leading independent lives.

Solo Living
Sucheta Dutt is the Founder of Solo Living and has been living solo for many years.Born in 2017, Solo Living is a Glasgow-based online magazine and community dedicated to sharing the experience of living alone and supporting sustainability and self-growth. Solo Living has now become a hub for all communities regarding solo activities where people can talk about the joys and problems of living alone, create opportunities, and give advice. In Facebook’s membership-based group “Solo Dining & Table for one,” more than 800 members share their experiences and information on the matter.

Picture Provided official Instagram of SoloLiving SoloKitchen Diaries (@sololivingsolokitchendiaries)

Tranlation Leandro Di Rosa

The post Sharing the joy of living and eating out by yourself with Solo Living appeared first on TOKION - Cutting edge culture and fashion information.

In the digital age, getting time to yourself is more difficult than you might think. In other words, it’s not easy to be fully immersed in something or find new values from being alone. Ironically, the new coronavirus has given many people the opportunity to stay at home by themselves.

Due to the frequency of forest fires in Australia and the United States, forest fire monitors, who prevent fires from their mountaintop watchtowers is an essential profession. The monitors spend several months in summer alone in the wilderness. Sarah Drummond teaches at university and works as a writer. She became a forest fire monitor a few years ago and spends the summer in isolation at the top of a mountain. What is it like facing daily loneliness be it in nature or not? Sarah was friendly but independent in the interview.

— You have various titles, such as university professor, writer, and forest fire monitor, but what are you doing now?  

Sarah Drummond: It’s winter in Australia now, so I’m lecturing at university.  For distraction, I go fishing by myself.  During summer when forest fires occur, I sit in a watchtower at the top of Frankland looking after the forest. I listen to music on the radio all day, and watch for smoke in the mountains.  It is sometimes boring when on duty, but you need to be careful. I’ve been a monitor for 3 years, but I often feel uneasy with the unknown qualities of Nature.

—How do forest fire monitors spend their days?

Sarah: I listen to the radio in the watchtower and check the weather, temperature, humidity, wind direction, etc. every hour.  I sometimes encounter tourists in the mountains and chat with them.

—Why did you decide to become a monitor?

Sarah: A friend of mine was a watchman. When he quit, he recommended me as his successor. I love this job because I’m surrounded by the beauty of nature.  I was interested in environmental conservation, and when I learned the cause of forest fires, I thought it necessary to control the situation in line with the nature of the forest. Australia has a long history of forest fires, but the forests always grow back and animals return.

—What do you do in your time alone?  

Sarah: I read and write. I’ve recently connected to the internet, so I watch a lot of movies. I haven’t had internet access for 5 years, but life is easier now. I walk and cook at the beach with my dog. I also like to go fishing by myself in the evening on weekends.  I enjoy living the quiet life and being in tune with nature.

—Do you like solo activities?

Sarah: yes, it’s relaxing to spend time alone. It is particularly important to be able to solve problems on your own.  For example, if someone close to you dies you strengthen your ability to overcome sadness at such times when you are used to spending time alone.

I was repairing a leak in my house yesterday. “If you had a partner, they would help you!” No, I don’t think so (laughs). But when I was dating, I had doubts about what he could do for me and what I could do for him. I can take care of myself. For example, when you go fishing, you may cooperate with others, but when something happens, you have to do it by yourself. In the end, I think everything needs to be solved on its own.

—More and more people are finding value in solo life to face themselves. Your lifestyle seems privileged, but how did people around you react when you started living like this?

Sarah: When I started living here, I didn’t have any electricity and people were worried if I was all right alone. When I first moved here, a wild dog, as big as a lion, would run around my house at night. I was too scared to sleep that day.  Hunters came to the area, and they put men’s boots outside the house and protected me. But now people around me treat me with respect, so I’m not afraid at all. Some people think it’s old-fashioned that I work in the watchtower, but others think it’s great. There are many people who want to be a forest fire monitor.

—Did the pandemic disrupt your life?

Sarah: Not really. We’re not on lockdown here and you can go to the beach, so I’m not as stressed as the people living in town. I am worried that the situation will continue. The other day, I mistakenly ate a poisonous mushroom and got very sick. And my closest neighbour is 25km away. I’m worried about being found should something happen during the pandemic.  When I was self-isolating, I read books that would let me escape from reality, rather than non-fiction, to alleviate any anxiety I felt.

My writing didn’t go as planned. It’s hard to write about kissing and sex under the current conditions, and I don’t feel like kissing (laughs). My new book will be published in November.  I want to stay here and make my home more comfortable. I also want to be kinder to myself and others. When the pandemic began, I started thinking that being kind was more important than anything else.

—Do you have any advice for people who have started a solo lifestyle?

Sarah:1 I don’t think you can be mentally independent unless you are comfortable with being alone. Having a routine to improve yourself is also important.  Having a dog is also good, as they make a good companion.

Sarah Drummond
Born in Australia. She received her Ph.D. in History from Murdoch University. She has written several novels and won the Best Australian Essays (Austrian Essay Award) in 2010.   She has worked as a barista, a landscape gardener, university professor, forest fire monitor and radio support during the summer.  She lives on the southern coast of Western Australia.

Pictures provided by Sarah Drummond
Text Miho

The post “Recommending Solo Activity”: Sarah Drummond, an Australian forest fire monitor, advocates for “routines to make your personal time comfortable” appeared first on TOKION - Cutting edge culture and fashion information.

In sex education, solo sex, i.e., masturbation is said to make you love yourself and increase your sense of self-affirmation. The idea is that you will become comfortable accepting others and naturally become kinder to everyone. Being alone is an important time for a person to face oneself and touching your body for pleasure is synonymous with reconfirming yourself. Sex Educator and popular blogger CarlyS talks charitably about solo sex.  

——How did you become a sex-educator?

Carly: I used to work for Harley Davidson. There, I discovered there is a lot of discrimination towards sex and race. Even with this going on, I found out that a sex toy shop would open, so I applied for a supervisor’s job. I received guidance from wonderful people at sex education workshops. The workshop participants were given advice on how to enrich their lives and get pleasure through sex.

——You’re currently working on promoting body-positivity and as a sex educator, right?

Carly: There aren’t many sex educators that look like me, but although it was hard at first, I managed to become successful. The mainstream is an appearance game, popularizing people who are thin and beautifully tanned, like the models in “Victoria’s Secret.”  People like me who have white skin and a lot of tattoos are not as popular. So, many people wonder how I can be confident in myself.  

——How did you gain confidence in yourself?

Carly: My mother raised me for many years to feel beautiful no matter how I looked. Everyone has something beautiful about them. I was lucky to be able to grow up believing in myself and being strong.  I was blessed with my family, my best friends, and the people I’ve worked with. My colleagues are truly kind and mentors I respect. This was all a good influence on me and helped me become an educator.

——Carly’s blog “TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE”, You write solo sex helping body positivity.  When did you start thinking that way?

Carly: I guess it was when I was in college. I left my parents’ home in New York and went to a competitive university in Pennsylvania, but there were so many people who discriminated against me. I was laughed at and became suspicious of everything. I attended music school and worked in the student section. I also worked as a stripper. I also ended up going to court with the police as a witness to a murder case. The course work was difficult, and I later returned to New York later to get my degree, but I didn’t have any time for myself because I was spending all my time with others. I was able to love myself through solo sex and found that I better communicate with others. When you discover how to pleasure your body through exploration, you will be able to give pleasure to others.

All these experiences have made me stronger. Even if I were ashamed and had low self-confidence, I strongly wanted to inspire others, so I would have acted positively to overcome the difficulties.

——Are there any rules for solo sex?

Carly: Don’t hurt people or use animals or children. Other than that, there’s no wrong way to do it.  Just touch and feel your body. Typical methods don’t necessarily apply to your pleasure, so you should try many things.

When I was working at the sex toy shop, I found that what applies to me doesn’t necessarily apply to others. I think it’s important to feel pleasure on your own. First, it is important to know your desires and explore what turns you on. Using a vibrator or other sex toy to discover your G-spot and find out what feels good when touching yourself is normal. I want everyone to be happy through sex.

——Do your followers enjoy solo sex?

Carly: They enjoy solo sex with different forms, toys and accessories. I have a lot of questions about toys, but I ask questions such as which parts of my body are looking for stimulation, how much stimulation I want, and what kind of feeling I like. Feel your own senses and respond to them as necessary.  

——Has the pandemic affected your thinking?

Carly: Not really, but I think about how to help keep people connected with each other and how to relieve stress. I give advice when people have stress-related suppressed libido, and I also help people connect with their partners when separated by distance.

I pray that many people will be able to live in balance.  I want you to feel pleasure and relieve stress. I work with New Yorkers in particular, so I think it’s important to breathe deeply and calm down no matter what happens. Many New Yorkers are always stressed and when they attend my seminars, they can relax and give themselves permission to breathe deeply and many feel liberated by it.

Recently, she has been writing articles, answering user questions, and running her website, Spectrum Boutique an online sex toy shop. We also produce pornography and hold webinars. We’ve held summits in the past to appeal to free sexual expression, and we’re planning to hold solo sex seminars and digital conferences in the near future.

——Has there been any change in your followers?

Carly: I think they’ve changed in a good way. I’m more interested in toys and spending time with myself. Toy sales are also increasing, so more and more people are enjoying solo sex. I’m putting a lot of effort into SNS. I specialize in toys, so I’m focusing on giving my followers and users tips and advice on how to use them. The advise is give doesn’t change much based on gender. Our bodies are similar, and I will introduce you to a toy that is easy to use if you are a beginner. I want you to find what gives you the most pleasure.

——Is there a good way to increase self-estem?

Carly: There are a lot of tips on my website, but the most important thing is to take care of yourself. Take care of the parts of your body that you don’t like when in the bath and pour your love into it. For example, my feet are really dry so I apply my favorite lotion. Starting by caring about things you don’t usually pay attention to is important. It is also important to praise yourself every day, and honestly accept when people praise you instead of denying it.  You don’t know who is having a hard time, so praise people for any little thing, such as their smile or their outfit. Expanding your energy by bringing little sparks of joy to someone’s day could make all the difference for them.

If it’s going to been a long day just getting up and having breakfast is special. It’s great just to be able to do something. Don’t think too hard when giving praise, something simple about my appearance, such as “You have beautiful brown eyes!” is perfect.

——You always work with compassion, don’t you?

Carly: Do you know Mr. (Fred) Rogers? He was the host of the popular American children’s show “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood” and was a long-running show from the 1960’s and I loved watching it. He accepted any child and treated them kindly. I saw people attacking each other and always wished they could empathize and understand each other more. Puberty is difficult. From my own experience of bullying, I want people who are being bullied now, to know that it’ll be over someday, so everything will be fine.

Calm down and be positive to change the world. I’m also trying to change my mind to be more positive. For example, when I see people wearing pajamas on the subway, some people may make fun of them, but I think it’s fine if they’re having fun. I don’t care at all if someone speaks ill of me. They just don’t understand my taste. I understand that it’s impossible for everyone to have the same hobbies.

We plan to create a production company in the future. With body positivity, I want to create work that makes viewers feel comfortable, confident, and sexy.  I want to find a place where they can be satisfied because I want somewhere that I’m satisfied. I want to shoot in a studio, a bar, or at home, but in New York City everything is expensive.  In any case, I want to get away from New York, so I might start out in the suburbs.

Carly・S
Born in New York and lives in the Bronx. Vibrator Queen of Wands. Sex entertainment, porn star, model, sex blogger. She has been featured as a sex outlet in numerous media and events, including Pleasure Chest, the oldest sex toy shop in New York, Exxxota, the largest adult event in the United States, and cosmopolitan in global media.  Currently, she has expanded her activities and contributes articles as a body-positive sex writer and holds seminars and events.
https://www.dildoordildont.com/

Picture provided  Carly・S
Text Miho

The post Recommending the Solo life, New York sex educator Carly S. advocates “to be able to love yourself in solo sex” appeared first on TOKION - Cutting edge culture and fashion information.

In our current times where things have become digitalized, it can be more difficult than previously imagined to secure your own time. In other words, it’s not very easy to enjoy something alone to our heart’s content, or to find the time discover some new values that we didn’t even know we had. Ironically, however, the need to stay holed up at home due to the coronavirus pandemic has provided an opportunity for many people to get some much-needed alone time.

The truth is that the idea of going solo has been quietly in the making for certain activities in New York since before the coronavirus. For Japanese, the image of families and big groups of friends in other countries getting together for a meal is a symbol of happiness, which means the idea of enjoying “going solo” in other countries is something we might find hard to imagine. So what’s it all about?

Anita Lo opened Annisa, a contemporary American restaurant, in 2000. A top chef, she was ranked Most Influential Woman by Crain’s New York Business. Her book Solo: A Modern Cookbook for a Party of One helped popularize the concept of eating alone in the United States. In our interview, Anita advocates alone time, and we get a sense of her passion on making individual freedom a top priority.

——The image of the family eating together around a table is often seen as a symbol of happiness in America, so why did your decide to publish “Solo,” a book of cooking-for-one recipes in 2018?

Anita Lo: It’s not that I’m advocating solo, but I do believe balance is key. It is really quite important everyone have their own time. For example, people coming from large families may have many friends that they need to spend time with, yet they also need time alone. And they do find it.

——It’s no longer unusual in New York for people to eat alone at a restaurant or bar. What do you think was the trigger for the idea of doing things solo taking hold?

Anita: It’s different depending on where you are in the U.S., but in large cities like New York, many people are now used to doing things alone most of the time. Our regulars at Annisa included people who always came and ate alone. One of them decided not to fix his refrigerator after it broke, instead opting to eat out.

There are lots of people like him, who decided to start eating out alone without much of a reason—which means it’s not unusual at all anymore, for people to do things on their own. Some conversations are better suited to the bar counter rather than the dining table. And so, counterintuitively, enjoying time alone can actually lead to a situation where you can make new friends. It’s better that people have no qualms about eating alone.

Eating alone (purposefully creating alone time) makes us feel alive

——In your book “Solo,” it stood out in my mind how you say that people don’t necessarily need to eat the same thing even when they’re eating together as a family—and that each person should eat what they like. How did you come to think like this?

Anita: If possible I do think it’s better for everybody in the family to eat together, but some people have allergies, and that means that sometimes a single dish isn’t necessarily good for everyone. At Annisa, our staff used to sit down together and eat as part of working at our restaurant, but we had people of different religions and tastes; that is, some people couldn’t eat pork for religious reasons, or they were vegetarians, etc., so I made something different for them. A basic concept of cooking is that we really need to think about the people we’re cooking for; after all, it’s about making each individual happy!

——Is it challenging to make different food for different family members?

Anita: Of course, that is true, but I’m a believer in simple-and-easy. In my opinion it’s important for children in particular to have meals with lots of variety, which also helps them to get exposed to different types of cuisines from different cultures. I also think it’s an important part of educating kids about food.

——In your book you describe how cooking for yourself can be a blissful and powerful experience. Do you think this is also true of not only married couples but also of people with children?

Anita: Yes, as long as it doesn’t cause any problems for anybody. I think it’s a good idea to be by yourself at times in modern life. It is fun to spend time with somebody over a meal, and not necessarily dinner. Yet it’s also quite blissful to have little time that we don’t have to share with anyone. Meanwhile, of course, I don’t reject the idea of eating together with somebody!

——How does doing things solo affect us mentally?

Anita: Having time alone and being lonely are two totally different things. When you feel alone and left out, it’s easy to feel lonely, and we want to be with other people. At the same time, I truly believe we feel alive when we take some time to ourselves. It’s also a way to re-discover yourself.

——Some of the recipes in the book are described as ideal dinners-for-one, such as the “Smoky Eggplant and Scallion Frittata.” In what sense are these recipes good for people eating solo?

Anita: It’s because these dishes can be prepared fast—in 30 minutes or less—requiring only simple ingredients, and they’re also designed for quick cleanup. You don’t have to think about other people, and you can decide on your meal depending on your mood and how you feel physically that day.

——Do you make any special dishes for yourself?

Anita: Everything I make is special! (laughs). But when I’m at home I don’t make the kind of complex, time-consuming dishes that I would at my restaurant. It’s really not necessary for me. And I guess we as individuals decide what’s special for us.

Post-corona solo eating: frugal cooking to minimize resources and cost

——After closing Annisa, a restaurant that earned you a Michelin star, you published a book on recipes-for-one. How do you feel looking back?

Anita: Well, I have a lot less stress! I used to travel before the coronavirus outbreak, and I worked at a tour company called “Tour de Forks,” which I own together with a friend. We offered food tours to places around the world, and it was a lot of fun. We also gave cooking lessons during these tours, and we did charity projects.

——Have you found that your lifestyle changed since the stay-at-home order went into effect?

Anita: I’d already made a shift to being primarily home since before the pandemic, but I’ve never experienced anything like this. More and more Americans are trying to make their time at home a little better by challenging themselves to new recipes. And everybody’s buying flour for baking, so you can’t even get any! (laughs). I think it’s wonderful that people are challenging themselves to new recipes.

——How do you think solo eating will change so that it can continue to exist after the coronavirus pandemic?

Anita: It’s about optimizing our busines models. I believe that we will recover, but it may take some time for things to get on track. For instance we need to generate a profit with just 50% of the customer levels we’re used to. I’m thinking about the idea of “frugal cooking” to minimize both cost and the resources we use.

——Your cuisine seems to be influenced by Japanese food. Are there specific things you like about Japanese food and culture?

Anita: I love Japanese food! I’m extremely impressed with the concept of using fresh ingredients and drawing out the inherent flavors of those ingredients, not to mention the seasoning. If I were to choose a travel destination mainly for its food—the idea of sampling different foods as you make your way around—I would definitely choose Japan! I went to Hokkaido last year. It was winter and the food was absolutely amazing, especially the seafood! I used to think Japanese prices were high but, compared to New York, food prices are actually quite reasonable. I was really surprised by that. Once the coronavirus pandemic settles down, I’d like to go again right away. Right now what I miss most is Japanese sushi!

Anita Lo
Born in Michigan, U.S., Anita graduated from Columbia University, later enrolling at the culinary school L’Ecole Ritz-Escoffier. Returning to New York after graduating from the latter, she worked as a chef at restaurants such as Mirezi. In 2000, she opened Annisa together with business partner Jennifer Scism, which was awarded a Michelin star in the first Michelin Guide for New York City in 2006. Since closing Annisa in 2015, Anita runs a travel company. Her publications include Solo: A Party of One for a Party of One, Knopf, 2018.

Picture Provided Anita Lo
Text Miho

The post Enjoying solo activities, Top Chef Anita Lo -Alone time makes us feel alive- appeared first on TOKION - Cutting edge culture and fashion information.