Laura DeSantis, a licensed therapist based in San Francisco specializing in trauma, has been facilitating live online classes with Coa, an online platform that offers emotional fitness classes and one-on-one therapy, to bolster participants’ mental health. These classes are framed as “group emotional fitness workouts”.

In this interview, Laura shares her insights on how we should approach therapy, how we can find ways to strengthen our mental health, and the importance of giving ourselves permission to express our vulnerability. As Laura said: “Name your emotion. It’s not a luxury, it’s a necessity.”

Many people are typically not taught how to name their emotions. That is usually a skill that is taught, and then practiced, and then mastered.

―― I first learned about your work when I participated in the Live Q&A: Living Solo During the Holidays, right before the Holiday Season. How did the pandemic impact the Holiday Season?

Laura: I was hearing my clients say that they normally love living by themselves, but once they were told to stay inside and be isolated, then challenges started to emerge because they were alone all the time with no other options. I was seeing more anxiety and depression, and people were really missing human connection. The holiday season amplified all of those feelings, and that was when I had the idea of doing the online program.

―― I remember you saying that if you are not in the mood to celebrate, you don’t need to force yourself to enjoy the holiday season with others.

Laura: There is always pressure to have fun during the holidays and have fun with your family, even during a normal year TV shows or advertisements show so much joy during the holidays, and the truth is that this is not a reality for a lot of people. This year, folks had an opportunity to be alone. With that came an opportunity for us to decide, as individuals, how we want to experience this year’s unique holiday situation – whether it was a time of reflection, or just ignoring what day it is.

―― During the Live Q&A, I felt motivated to stay mentally fit, as if I were attending workout classes. I also thought that therapy can actually be a fun activity.

Laura: People have a perception that therapy is intense, scary and serious. It’s important for therapy to be a little lighthearted. It can be therapeutic to laugh at ourselves, and confront some shame with a little bit of humor. If you are in a group, hearing from other people can lighten things up. Then we are not alone. Other people may say something that we can relate to, and it’s serious, or they may joke about something, and it makes us realize that we can laugh at ourselves, too.

―― Do we need to train ourselves to reflect deeply and face our inner pain and suffering, the way we train ourselves in a gym?

Laura: I do agree that there are similarities between physical fitness and emotional well-being. A lot of people are not taught how to name their emotions. That has to be a skill that is taught, and then practiced, and then mastered. Therapy is a great way to work out those muscles, and doing so is an ongoing process towards greater psychological strength. In that sense, it’s a correct metaphor with physical fitness. What is different is that once we face some of our inner demons and confront our suffering, there can be healing. Once you reach that place, you don’t necessarily have to go back to it all the time. It will always be part of your story and have a place in your life, but the ongoing distress it causes won’t be there, and you don’t have to keep reflecting on that pain forever.

When we name a negative emotion, it lessens its intensity.

―― As for therapy, is there a way to identify the problem yourself, and know if you need to see a therapist?

Laura: People go to therapy for all types of reasons. Some people just want therapy to be part of their life and their wellness, or they want to get to know themselves better. That’s a totally valid reason for coming to therapy. Often, people do end up in crisis, and they wait until they’re actually suffering to get help, as we’re not really taught how to notice when we are headed in a bad direction. I generally tell people that if you feel like something is off, something doesn’t quite feel right, you probably are on the right path in terms of thinking that you might need some help. What’s cool about therapy, is that you can come in and say you have not been feeling yourself. A good therapist will say let’s dig into it, and help you sort of break down what you’re noticing. I don’t know if people necessarily realize that therapists can do that, that we can help you identify what’s wrong. At the very least, if you’re dealing with something, whether it’s just anxiety or depression, or addiction, if it’s interfering with your life, like you’re having trouble sleeping, eating, you’re not in the mood to do things that you really like to do, that means that your quality of life is being affected. That is definitely an indicator to get some help. But you don’t have to wait until that point. We can help you to avoid getting to that point, by being a little more proactive.

―― In Japanese culture, people need to overcome personal embarrassment, to express their fears and inner selves. How can people get past that hurdle?

Laura: I know that there are a lot of cultures where this is very common. Talking about emotion is just not something that you do. Saying that you don’t feel well or you have difficult emotions may be seen as a sign of weakness, or that something is wrong with you. And luckily, I think that there are so many people doing amazing work to challenge that, because that is not true. They are pushing back against that stigma in each of us, so we don’t feel powerless to the society that surrounds us, no matter what culture we’re part of. It’s part of therapy to confront some of the shame or embarrassment that comes with saying, I actually am not doing well, and I could use help. And it’s a muscle that needs to be, first of all, identified, and then practiced, and worked. It takes a long time to even be able to name the emotions that people are feeling, because emotions are a set of vocabulary. If you don’t know the words, how can you express yourself? I love teaching people how to name their emotions. There are studies that show with brain scan imagery, that when we name a negative emotion, it lessens its intensity. People notice that happening in therapy, and they feel relieved. Hopefully, that snowballs and leads to more positive outcomes in people’s lives.

To deal with the cultural aspects, it can help to find a therapist that shares your culture or, at the very least, find someone that is proficient with your culture and knows the issues, because it’s not just about learning to name sadness or fear. It’s everything that goes with that, pushing back against everything you’ve been taught and deciding what is working for you and what’s not. It’s a process, but when people start to feel even a little better they get motivated to keep going.

It’s more about knowing ourselves, having self-compassion, and building confidence

―― How can we stay positive and look on the bright side of things, especially during the pandemic?

Laura: It requires a delicate balance. There is a push sometimes for us to just be positive, even when things are really negative. We don’t have to do that. In fact, when we deny reality, we end up suffering. First of all, it’s very important to express yourself honestly if things are bad, or you are really stressed, or there’s a lot of negative stuff going on. If we don’t allow ourselves to have the feeling, it just grows and it’ll come out in other ways, either like crying spells, or lashing out, or using substances too much, or overeating. It’s really important to name the emotion. It’s not a luxury, it’s a necessity. It wouldn’t do anyone any good to say that things are great; however, we don’t want to get stuck in that negativity, at the same time.

I think that having a gratitude practice is so amazing. You can step back, and say things are really hard right now, but you are so grateful that, for example, you have your cat and your partner, or you’re really grateful you got out of bed today. For people with depression, that is a big deal. Just know that there are things to be grateful for. In addition to the gratitude, it’s important to notice where we have control because it’s very human to want to be in control. When we feel we don’t have it, we get anxious. When we find that and hold on to it, we feel more empowered. Noticing where we have agency makes it easier to live outside of the constant negativity;it’s a more balanced way of living.

―― How can we tell if we have succeeded in facing our inner self, or not?

Laura: Success in facing our inner self is going to differ for everybody based on what our values and desires are, and how much we’re willing to examine parts of ourselves that are wounded or that we just don’t like. People generally know when things are not working for them and want to feel “better.” But one of the questions that I often ask in therapy is, when you say you want to feel better, what does that look like? Is it about being able to get out of bed every morning, or getting a particular job? Usually it doesn’t end up being accomplishment-oriented because we can be very accomplished and still be miserable; it’s more about knowing ourselves, having self-compassion, and building confidence.  We tend to treat ourselves better when we understand ourselves. And these aren’t things that can necessarily be measured, but we can feel them. The first relationship and the last you’ll ever have, is with yourself – so nurture it!

The first relationship and the last you’ll ever have, is with yourself.

―― As a professional therapist, do you have any advice for people on how to enjoy the alone time?

Laura: First of all, kudos to people who are learning to be alone and enjoying that solitude. It’s a process, because sometimes we don’t really know ourselves very well. And we have to start to get to know who we are as a friend. Identify things that you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t, then try that. When you’re by yourself, do you tend to zone out and not be present? If you zone out, that might mean there’s some difficulty being by yourself. Maybe anxious thoughts come up. Find activities that matter to you; incorporating your values is really important. I recently saw something, actually on social media, and it was about love languages (the manner in which we best give and receive love).. For some people, they will feel really loved when someone does something nice for them, or says something nice to them. If you know how you would like to be treated by other people, treat yourself that way, and then maybe you’ll enjoy being by yourself more.

―― Lastly, do you have any advice on how we can balance our lives with the social media?

Laura: There are a lot of negatives that come with ongoing social media intake. While it offers connection and entertainment, it’s really addictive. You just end up on your phone scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. It’s not good for your brain. It’s not good for your eyes. Also, how often do you post about having a terrible day, and how bad your hair looks? Rarely, if ever. Everyone puts out their best self, and all you see is the best version of everyone else, and your self-esteem can take a real hit. That’s a big problem. And the way the algorithms work, social media keeps us in an echo chamber, filled with bad news. We have to purposefully fight to get out of that. Balance can look like setting time limits on apps, or putting your phone in a different room at night to avoid scrolling while you’re in bed. It can also look like unfollowing people who cause you stress or make you feel bad about yourself, and, in turn, following accounts that bring you joy. Maybe even go for a walk without your phone and just enjoy the fresh air and your own company!

Laura DeSantis
DeSantis is a licensed Professional Clinical Counselor in the state of California. She earned Master’s degrees in Professional Counseling and in Counseling & Mental Health Services from the University of Pennsylvania. She has a BA in Public Relations and in History from Penn State University. As a therapist, her goal is to foster a space for people to explore what they want for themselves and their lives through introspection, healing, and acceptance of self. She offers an interactive style of therapy that emphasizes personal insight and self-compassion in order to identify harmful thought patterns and behaviors.

Picture Provided Laura DeSantis
Translation Fumiko Miyamoto

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――Upon my research it seems you started Solo Living in 2017. What was your inspiration and motivation to start Solo Living?

Solo Living：I had reached my early 30s and was single. Everyone around me was coupling up, settling down and getting married. I never really felt the drive to settle down, thinking it would just happen for me. Being in a relationship wasn’t out of the question, but it wasn’t a goal either. I know now you have to put the same kind of energy into finding a partner as you would do for a dream job.  Although I did realise I had a lot in my life to be grateful for, and my life was good living alone. I was in no rush to change my relationship status and surprised myself. No one was talking about living alone. The conversation hadn’t started. It took a long time before I felt the time was right to set up Solo Living because as much as I enjoyed living alone; for many years single life and living alone had negative connotations. Thankfully, things are changing.

――What is the age-range of your readers?  If you have wide age-ranging readers, are there any generation age gaps of living a solo lifestyle?

Solo Living：Our readers span across different age groups, but I would say our core readers are aged 34 plus. Most people living alone are older mid-lifers here in the UK, but certainly, younger people are having the chance to live alone and many through choice. Living alone is probably least prevalent amongst 18-24-year-olds who will often live at home with parents or in a house share. Saying that living alone isn’t just about living alone in your own home, as we welcome people living in house shares and single parents in our online communities. We regard Solo Living as a platform for people navigating life solo – carrying the mental load of life on their own – making important decisions for themselves without a partner or being able to share every decision with a partner, friends or a family member.

――How do you feel reflecting back to when you first started Solo Living? Was there a strong and growing reader base from the very beginning?

Solo Living：It’s taken time to build a readership for Solo Living. Talking about living alone and how to present it positively without ignoring the challenges meant from day one,  every piece of content was important. Neither is it easy to set up and build a community online these days. I think we have the combination of living alone, wellbeing and sustainable living on the right track now and our readership has grown fastest over the last year.  Looking back, I’m incredibly pleased with the direction we’re going in. I feel there is still a lot to do and many conversations to be had around living alone so, in many ways I think we’re just getting started!

――It is evident that your media content from your Solo Living writers is very informative and keeps with your mission and brand values. What are some of the things that have changed in your Solo Living Community during the last three years?  Because of your movement, do you feel that you have influenced many people to transition to doing more alone time activities?

Solo Living：My hope is that we encourage Solos to be happier and content in their time spent living alone. To make the most of the freedom and opportunities living solo can bring. To accept living alone can be a good lifestyle choice, even on a temporary basis and for people to feel as though they are not missing out. We also think it is vital to have a good relationship with yourself and have a greater awareness of one’s self.  We want Solos to live well while they are living alone, and that’s why we promote sustainable living and self-care. To answer your question about what has changed, I would say we are helping with wider societal acknowledgement and acceptance of people living alone and that Solos have a voice. We are here to talk about all aspects of living alone by positioning ourselves in the normality of everyday life. We’ve noticed that we are inspiring other Solos to talk more widely on social media about their Solo Living experiences which makes us happy.

――During the last ten years, being alone has become more popular, and for some, it has become a “civil right” in Japan. Some restaurants, cafes and hotels provide specialized services for a party for one.  How about in the UK? Are there any specialized services for a party for one?

 Solo Living：I wouldn’t say we are culturally in the moment of accepting being alone as a ‘civil right’, here in the UK. We’re nowhere near anything like that at all. That being said, it is more acceptable to live alone today than it has been in previous decades – purely because more people are living alone than ever before. A third of households comprise of one person in the UK and some European countries. In Scandinavian countries, the figure is nearer 1 in 2 households. It means more of us are likely to know or have friends and family who are living alone. The acknowledgement contributes to wider acceptance of living alone as a lifestyle.

We still have a long way to go to cater to Solos in the marketplace, although advertisers are showing more Solos in their campaigns. I think Japan is much more forward-thinking in catering for Solos. Dining out alone is yet to be a norm over here, although it is more prevalent in cities like London and Glasgow, where grabbing lunch or a quick dinner alone is catered for in cafes and many restaurants. A few restaurants are making it easier to dine solo and in different ways; but dining solo is not a culturally accepted norm as yet. It also depends where you live. You’re more likely to see solo diners in a busy city rather than remote rural areas. It is rare to see a Solo dining out alone in the evening or making an event of going to a restaurant at night time. Hotel rates here, tend to be the same whether one or two people stay in a room which is an issue for many solo travellers. We have noticed the occasional event and stay packages geared towards Solos but not to the same extent as what is available in Japan by the sound of things.

――In your website, author Ciara McArdle said, “Women aged between 35-44 and 50 and over who have opted to take some ‘me’ time on vacation”. How about the younger generations, are they also travelling alone?  For example, in Japan, young people are travelling alone (Gen Z and Millennials) more than any other generations, regardless of sex.

Solo Living：I think more young people are becoming confident about travelling alone and backpacking in particular. Asian countries prove to be the most popular destinations for solo travellers. Being able to stay connected with friends and family while away means travelling alone doesn’t have to lonely. Affordability and time is another factor, as is designing a bespoke holiday that genuinely caters for individual needs. Here, women are opting to travel Solo as a way of getting some high-quality ‘me-time’ and taking a break from the norms of everyday life. Often the reason is the difficulty of being able to schedule holiday time with family and friends. There’s also the consideration of not being restricted by another person when travelling solo, which means ticking things off your bucket list is easier. It seems people in Japan are more confident and happy to be living alone and travelling solo from a young adult age compared to the UK and Europe. The trend is interesting.

――In your website, the title  “Table for One? Yes please” indicates that many restaurants are offering long benches, communal tables and window seating for the solo diner in the UK. When did this take shape and what caused these types of logistical changes?

Solo Living：Probably in the last five years. It comes with the more general trend of dining out becoming more of a social and casual experience than it was before. Whether you are solo or not, it is easier to pop into a cafe and restaurant and have a quick, relaxed bite to eat and many people prefer to have a drink while they are eating rather than going to the pub. However, some of our members have commented on restaurant experiences where they have felt unwelcome; when staff have embarrassed them because they are dining alone. Clearly, going to formal, family, or romantically oriented restaurants is not a good idea for Solos unless staff truly welcome and treat them well from the moment they walk in the door. We are paying customers just like everyone else. Much of the Solo dining experience depends on the service received by restaurant staff and how well Solos are treated as guests. Good restaurants will know the best table in their restaurant for Solos to feel comfortable, whether it be at the bar where you can chat to staff and other diners or beside a window where you can people-watch at the same time. The very best places will let you choose where you want to sit. I guess no-one has really figured out the business model or viability for creating restaurants that cater specifically for solo diners. Although some high street cafes open during the day make eating lunch alone very easy. Saying that, whether there would be enough trade to build a restaurant around Solos is yet to be established here in the UK.

――It seems for men, the table for one situation is perceived to be normal from a social perception from many years ago. However, for women, it may be perceived to be somewhat negative.  Would you agree or not?

Solo Living：I certainly know more men than women who go out on their own to a bar or restaurant in the evenings. I think it’s getting easier for women to eat out alone. Working women and women taking a solo holiday often have to, if they are away on business or staying at a hotel. I think it’s down to having the confidence to eat out alone. Having an interest in food helps. If dining solo is what you want to do  – male or female, then choose a place that serves good food and where the staff are going to treat you well.

――On your Instagram, there are so many attractive looking food pictures. Who makes these dishes? Do you have any cooking advice or techniques for alone cooking as I don’t see that on your Instagram pages?

Solo Living：I make all the food posted to our Instagram page unless I’m posting about eating out or ordering takeaway, of course! I have plenty of tips for cooking for one but too many to share here. It has taken a long time to get used to cooking for one because I was brought up on great home-cooking made for a family. The most important advice I can give to Solos when cooking for one is to eat well, healthily and make eating at home a joy. Cooking for oneself is a pleasure and a way to decompress at the end of a busy day. It’s something you can do to keep yourself occupied and use the time to mull things over. It’s also a great way to learn something new and build your skills in the kitchen. I have had many moments in the kitchen when I’ve tried to recreate a dish from a restaurant or cook with high-quality ingredients. Giving time and preparing good food for yourself adds to the positive living alone experience. Solo  Living also has a Facebook Group called Solo Dining and a Table for One with over 800 members where we share inspiration and cooking tips. As a member of the group, you don’t feel like you are eating alone because everyone is sharing photos of their food and telling stories of their day.

――Are there any unique solo lifestyle trends in your community and the UK?

For example, in Japan, solo camping has been a huge trend over the last few years. Many people enjoy their Alone time in nature.

Solo Living：Solo dining and solo travel are probably the most prevalent trends accompanied by, and as a consequence of, living alone. We have recently published an article about the Solo  Bikepacking trend, which seems to be growing in popularity in Europe. It’s an easy way for Solos to take a break and travel, particularly during a pandemic. I think solos in the UK value their alone time and most importantly, their home, where they will spend hours at a time and will enjoy their home in a way that is different from others. Home is a sanctuary for Solos. I think a trend would be  Solos finding it essential to stay socially connected with friends and family while leading independent lives.

Solo Living
Sucheta Dutt is the Founder of Solo Living and has been living solo for many years.Born in 2017, Solo Living is a Glasgow-based online magazine and community dedicated to sharing the experience of living alone and supporting sustainability and self-growth. Solo Living has now become a hub for all communities regarding solo activities where people can talk about the joys and problems of living alone, create opportunities, and give advice. In Facebook’s membership-based group “Solo Dining & Table for one,” more than 800 members share their experiences and information on the matter.

Picture Provided official Instagram of SoloLiving SoloKitchen Diaries (@sololivingsolokitchendiaries)

Tranlation Leandro Di Rosa

The post Sharing the joy of living and eating out by yourself with Solo Living appeared first on TOKION - Cutting edge culture and fashion information.

But there is a club that completely does away with the factors that stress people out seen with conventional clubs, where members can enjoy solo activities and reading simultaneously. It’s called the Silent Book Club (SBC), which originated out of San Francisco in the United States. It has the unique feature that participants bring in their favorite books and read them silently. SBC was started in 2012, and now has more than 240 chapters all over the world throughout the West, Asia (including Japan), and beyond. We talk with Laura Gluhanich, one of the founders of SBC, about the influence the club has internationally and its connection with solo activities.

−−How did you go about spreading your SBC activities, which have fascinated readers all around the world?

Laura Gluhanich (Laura below): From 2012 to 2016 two of us, myself and one other founder named Guinevere (de la Mare), had a club that friends would sometimes drop in on. Later on, friends who moved to other states from San Francisco would spread it by creating chapters in their own respective areas. From there, we started getting inquiries from people who were complete strangers who wanted to create their own chapters, and it spread worldwide. It feels like over the past four years the club has rapidly become huge and things have gotten interesting. I get inquiries from people who heard about SBCs somewhere or saw an article reprinting an interview who say, “I want to start a chapter in the area where I live, but can I do that?” And to them my answer is: “Of course! Just decide on a time and place and invite your friends. It’s simple.” I think one of the great things about it is that it’s so easy to start one.

While it’s an opportunity to connect with people, the objective is reading. So if you were to look around you see other participants arriving on their own. Even though everyone is reading the books they want to read, it’s a comfortable and cozy space. For people who want to do something on their own but at the same time are seeking connections and a community with other people, SBCs can offer them both of these. People all around the world are forming emotional bonds with one another while reading in silence. Seeing people meeting up and connecting with one another in various different countries and regions through actual meetups and over social media has been surprising, but also absolutely delightful at the same time. It will be a lot of fun to carry on with these activities.

−−What would you say the definitive difference is between reading in an SBC and reading completely on one’s own?

Laura: That’s an interesting question. With an SBC each person is reading the books that they like, but they can also connect with people who love reading just the same as they do. If you’re just reading on your own, you can’t exactly connect with other bookworms. With an SBC, after reading there is time for talking with the other members about the book you just read. This makes them venues for forging connections with other people. Since people who read all sorts of different genres like history, graphic novels, fantasy, science fiction, and nonfiction gather together in the same place, they also serve as an opportunity for people to hear someone else talk about books they had never heard of before and think “That book sounds so interesting!” This is a point of departure from ordinary book clubs. That’s because ordinarily these clubs work by having everyone read a designated book. Speaking for myself personally, I don’t like when someone tells me to do something. So while you have a large number of people all reading together, there are absolutely no rules imposed on them by the SBC.

−−The SBCs are still active virtually as well, right? What are the particulars behind how that came about?

Laura: That’s because last year one member told us that they wanted to create a chapter that was exclusively virtual. From there, they created a Facebook group for their virtual chapter and began holding meetups. The advantage of this chapter is that anyone can participate no matter where they live around the world. I think they do some amazing things that can only be done virtually. Since then the coronavirus pandemic has hit, and various chapters like those in Denver, Italy, and Japan began holding virtual meetups. Even when people are alone in their room they can still connect with people through reading and discuss their favorite books. It’s fun to feel like you are a member of a community no matter where you are. Currently, about 30 chapters are holding meetups virtually.

−−While people gather together in the same place, the central focus isn’t on conversation. I got the impression that they resembled meditation or a yoga class. 

Laura: Through yoga and meditation people share things like the same space, breathing, and energy, while with SBCs through reading they share the same atmosphere and space with other people. So perhaps they resemble each other in some ways. I think the same holds true with the virtual gatherings as well. While these are gatherings of people who all share the same hobby, the fact that people read books they chose themselves at their own pace means they could be described as solo activities. Since there are no rules, even though people are part of a community they are free to do as they please of their own accord.

Most people around the world are not completely introverted or extroverted, but have a mix of both personality traits. I think that SBCs are one of a small number of places that cater to these mixed personalities. While there is time for discussion, if someone doesn’t feel up to it they don’t have to participate, and they are free to quietly read their book at their own pace. There are even some people who belong to other book clubs who read the assigned books from those clubs at SBC (laughs).

Online communities are similar. Someone writes to say that they’re looking for recommendations in a certain genre, and someone else posts “This is a good book.” Then this connects with other people who saw the post who think “I had never read that genre before, but that book was great.” We create opportunities where people can try out different genres and go on reading adventures without forcing them.

−−You also hold club meetings to which you invite authors.

Laura: If a publishing house or an author themselves reaches out and there’s an outpouring of interest, then we’ll move forward with planning something. But these are not structured in a way that we tell people they have to read a certain book. Rather, instead of focusing on the author him or herself, we focus on topics like theme-setting, their approach, or their style of writing. Also, we endeavor to take up books from a diverse range of people of various different ethnicities and cultural backgrounds. The other day our guest was Kristen Millares Young, the author of Subduction: A Novel. The protagonist of the story is a Latina woman who works in a region where indigenous people live in the northwestern part of the United States. In the story multiple cultures collide and become one. In this sense, it has sparked opportunities to give thought to the current state of the world, particularly the current state of the United States, which makes for an extremely interesting story. This year we plan to widen the scope of genres still further to take up biographies, fiction, satire / humor, young adult books, and more.

−−The novel coronavirus pandemic has forced some people into situations in which they have to spend time alone due to lockdowns. Have there been any changes within SBC due to this?

Laura: One very significant change has been the shift to online. Lots of people have begun looking for communities upon going into lockdown, but there are limitations when it comes to seeking out new things while you’re stuck at home. Chapters in Australia, and recently Denver have resumed holding meetups by ensuring safe conditions by maintaining social distancing outside in accordance with their respective local regulations. I feel that meeting up with other people through SBCs, whether this is done in person or virtually, serves as an opportunity for us to reclaim what makes us human. Moving forward, I want to continue to provide people with opportunities to connect with one another.

−−Do you feel that “quiet time” spent reading lets people discipline their mind and makes them introspective?

Laura: I think so, and personally I consider myself to be a very introspective person (laughs). I feel that there is some individual variance in how much time each person needs, but if you feel like you need some “quiet time” then it’s important that you give priority to making time for this. And while it may be a cliche, there are always tons of things happening all around us and there are so many things that distract us, like our computer and smartphone screens, notification sounds, and so on. But our brains are not set up in a way that allows us to handle all of these. So for example, while I had been reading on a Kindle I had to give it up for a while. I feel that we need some time to get away from digital devices and the noise and clamor of our everyday lives.

For me, reading is an opportunity to encounter and get involved in unknown stories and human lives. There is research indicating that people who read fiction tend to have a greater capacity to empathize with others than do non-readers, so reading can temper our capacity to empathize. Having this capacity to empathize lets you understand people with sensibilities that are different from your own, forge emotional bonds with them, and learn something from them. Of course reading is something we do for amusement and as an escape from reality. But I feel that we gain so much from it, and that time spent entertaining flights of fancy while following a story is time that is incredibly well-spent.

If people see an event that piques their interest on our website or blog then I want them to be able to readily take part. It’s a great opportunity to meet people you don’t know and learn about what sorts of books other people are reading. Here, people are always welcome.

Silent Book Club
A book club started in 2012 by Guinevere de la Mare and Laura Gluhanich, who were friends and neighborhood companions, based on reading in a neighborhood bar in San Francisco. This club, founded out of the sense that reading with friends can enrich and bring joy to people’s lives, currently has more than 240 chapters worldwide. This information is updated weekly by volunteers. The club provides forums where people can actually gather together to read, rather than interacting over social media, to share a live atmosphere with one another.
https://silentbook.club/

Pictures provided by Silent Book Club

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Now that there are tons of Japanese words that have become commonly-known phrases worldwide in their untranslated state, such as “otaku,” “emoji,” and “mottainai,” the Spanish writer Hector Garcia serves as the figure that has spread the word Ikigai (purpose in life) to the world at large. The Japanese language version of his book is called Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life as Discovered by a Foreigner (X-Knowledge Co. Ltd., 2017). The same book was published in the West in 2016, where it continues to garner attention to this day. In one passage on “Using flow to find your ikigai” (where “flow” is defined as a sense of intense focus and concentration achieved by a person immersing themself in an activity), he posits that people can find their ikigai by taking a good, hard look at themselves and seeking out those things that they can immerse themselves in, and those things that they truly love.

Solo activities involve a person reserving time for themselves alone, immersing themselves in something to their heart’s content, and discovering a new sense of values. We asked Hector about the connection between solo activities and ikigai, and what ikigai means to him as an author.

−−Can you start by telling us what prompted you to move to Japan back in 2004?

Hector Garcia (Hector below): After graduating from university in Spain, I applied for internships in the United States, Switzerland, and Japan, and I was accepted in Switzerland and Japan. And with that my fate was sealed. I went to Switzerland first, then on to Japan next. I found a job through my internship, and have remained here ever since. This year will be my 16th year living in Japan.

−−What were your impressions of Japan when you first arrived?

Hector: I think it was probably a similar sensation to how a Japanese person going to Europe for the first time would feel. I had traveled to places like Africa, Europe, and the United States before, but Japan was the first time I had been to Asia. I saw tons of things that I had never seen before, and it was a wondrous sensation akin to arriving in outer space.

Back then in 2004 there were very few signs written in English, and so I was in this world where I didn’t understand anything, which made every day an adventure. I started a blog where I brought together all these wonderful experiences I had and questions I asked of my Japanese acquaintances regarding words and cultural elements whose meaning I didn’t understand. Back then just about the only articles related to Japan in Spain were ones dealing with the films of Akira Kurosawa, and real Japanese culture hadn’t permeated the country at all. I began the blog and writing out of a desire to introduce the surprising experiences I had in Japan to other people. My blog even hit number one in the rankings based on the number of blog readers in Spain.

As for Japanese food, there are some foods that I’m still encountering for the first time, like at travel destinations and the like. I feel like Japanese food is like the Japanese language in that it is indicative of a deep and rich culture.

−−Ikigai is a word you learned over the course of your daily life, isn’t it?

Hector: When I first learned the word Ikigai I thought it was such an interesting word, and I had this desire to spread it to the world. I never write about the negative aspects of Japan in my writings so some people tell me that this isn’t the real Japan. But spreading the positive aspects of Japan is more my style. I wanted the word ikigai to become as widespread and entrenched in other countries as terms like “geisha,” “samurai,” and “sushi” had become. By now, my book titled Ikigai has gone through about 50 printings, and mine was the first book dealing with the subject of ikigai to be printed overseas. I have a deep-seated feel for the charm of this term. Japanese television shows have reported on Ikigai, and I’ve received coverage from them on a number of occasions.

−−What was it that prompted you to start thinking deeply about ikigai?

I suffered from an illness similar to ulcerative colitis for about two or three years starting from 2012, which was a miserable experience. This isn’t something I’ve publicly disclosed in my writings at all, but in a certain sense Ikigai was something I wrote for myself as I was suffering both mentally and physically.

When the book was first published in 2016 I found it a real mystery as to why it was selling so much, and it has gone on to sell more than 2 million copies worldwide. This has also been affected by the coronavirus pandemic. People lack freedom to go out and have to stay at home the whole time. They can’t go traveling and even if they have money they have nothing to spend it on, and for that matter even those people who are working no longer know what it is they’re working for. So that being the case, it seems people are giving thought to ikigai.

−−The contents of interviews you performed in an Okinawan village where the people live long lives serves as a central pillar of the book. Why did you choose Okinawa?

Hector: I took inspiration from the fact that the philosopher Sartre’s thinking and his notion of existentialism was connected to his wife’s family in Okinawa, where she was originally from. His wife was originally from Naha City, and so they visited Okinawa a countless number of times.

In writing the book, I traveled to Ogimi Village in Okinawa with Francesc Miralles, who in Spain is a writer on par with Haruki Murakami. He’s an expert when it comes to interviews and gathering data, so he was in charge of editing the book. In Ogimi Village we interviewed over 100 people on what ikigai meant to them.

In December of last year I went to Ogimi Village to work on a documentary for National Geographic. Back when I first visited in 2015 the local people probably thought I was this weird foreigner, so it was strange to me that this time when I went I was popular there. They had a copy of Ikigai at the minpaku (private residence offering lodging) where I stayed, which they asked me to sign. Yet at the same time, I’ve also come to feel a responsibility as an author. So for example, if I were to write too much about great places in Japan I worry that it might increase the number of tourists too much. While I think that it is important to strike a balance, I want to stick to my own personal convictions of only writing about Japan’s merits.

Also, one thing that surprised me is that when I went to India in October of last year I discovered that Ikigai had been a number one best-seller there for 13 months running. The book is doing well in the United States, but nowhere near as well as in India.

−−Lots of people overseas are being introduced to Ikigai over YouTube.

Hector: I get asked a lot–especially by men in the United States–about what they should do to discover their ikigai. Ikigai spends 15 chapters introducing the reader to how to discover their own ikigai, and presents ideas like keeping a daily journal and exercising. Everyone’s personality and disposition is unique, so I don’t feel like there’s one single answer for this.

One weak point of the Japanese people is that they tend to go along with those around them and do as they are told by other people. In doing so, it can sometimes lead to emotional pain and even depression and suicide. Such conditions can arise when we are estranged from our true selves. We ought to first understand who we are ourselves, then from there we can find our ikigai. Ikigai serves as a compass, and when we are estranged from who we really are we tend to lose sight of where our compass is pointing. We ought to start by first discovering where our own compass is pointing.

We can sometimes lose sight of ourselves when we spend every day busy with work and family. No matter what our circumstances, we should find time and space for ourselves. Activities like yoga, meditation, and keeping a simple daily journal are great for this. Just writing down three things you enjoyed that day and three things you didn’t like is great. When you keep writing this out for two weeks straight you realize that the things you don’t like are the same throughout and repeat over and over again. So through this you can consider actions you can take in response to what you don’t like. It’s good to increase activities that put us into a flow state everyday. For example, if someone has three hobbies, I think they should pick the one that is most conducive to putting them in a flow state. I think that the concept of flow is an easy one to understand for people who play sports. It may be difficult and painful at first, but once you get the feel of it, it can give rise to a sense of happiness.

−−Do you think there’s a connection between actions that put you in a flow state and solo activities?

Hector: Oftentimes it is solo activities that let us enter a flow state. Depending on the situation there may be times where this is better done with two people, which is something that’s on my mind now, but it is important to achieve balance. When people go too far into their own headspace they tend to lose the ability to value the people around them. When it comes to my own flow state, starting from around 10:00 in the morning I will write without laying a finger on my computer or smartphone, after which I’ll exercise or listen to music. Even after the pandemic started this flow hasn’t changed, even as there have been changes to my daily life. I don’t like to take risks, so I don’t really go out much and I’m not meeting up with people. I talk with friends over Zoom quite often, but it gets lonely not being able to meet up with people.

Also, if I don’t walk around then I start to get stressed out, so I’ll take short strolls with my wife, and when I want to take a long walk I’ll head out on my own. I like walking around because it gives me a change of pace and is a mental refresher. In Mediterranean cultures taking “aimless walks” is a deep-seated routine behavior. The people there will hit the road and walk around with no aim in mind, then drop by a cafe when they get tired. I’ll walk around Tokyo with the same sensibility, and sometimes even head to Yoyogi Park or Shinjuku Gyoen for some forest bathing.

−−What is ikigai?

Hector: Writing is one form of ikigai for me, but since I do so many different things it’s not the most important one for me. There are some times when I get tired of writing after just one or two hours in the morning. I also like taking pictures, going for walks, and traveling. I want to connect with people all around the world through the articles I write. Doing this lets me hear various ideas from all over the world. My new book, “Magic of Japan,” will be published soon. First the Spanish language version will come out, then the English version will be published next year. It will highlight 50 appealing spots around Tokyo together with photos of them. It will include some places that are well-kept secrets as well. Whenever I finish writing one book I get started writing the next one. For this next book, I’d like to write about the theme of words that are rooted in the Japanese sense of aesthetics, like wabisabi (acceptance of transience and imperfection). I also find there to be profound depth and beauty in the philosophy behind Japanese gardens.

I don’t write anything I don’t feel a heartfelt desire to write. I also don’t know whether I’ll publish what I write as a book. Take Japan, for example, which is a society that is risk-averse. I’m like Japanese people in this way, in that my own thinking has come to be risk-averse. Humans harbor a sense of fear within their subconscious minds. I was in Japan when the accident at the Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant occurred, and I’m afraid of earthquakes. Whenever something happens, I think it’s important to go about without taking risks. I want to continue studying Japanese culture still more.

Moreover, there are a lot of Japanese people who wholeheartedly immerse themselves in their interests, which is a way they resemble Spaniards a little bit. I feel that this ties in with otaku (nerd) culture, and is even connected to ikigai. There are tons of talented people on Twitter and Instagram, including comic book authors and artists, implying that in Japan you have lots of people who are finding their ikigai. But it’s totally fine if you don’t have a clear idea of what your ikigai is. That’s because probably only about 10% of people keep on doing the same thing from childhood until the time they’re 90 years old.

Hector Garcia
Born in Spain, has lived in Japan since 2004. Before moving to Japan, was affiliated with the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) as an engineer. Currently active as an author. His website that spreads the word on Japanese pop culture called kirainet.com receives more than 1 million hits each month from all over the world. Has co-authored a number of books, including IKIGAI: the Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life (Penguin Random House, 2017) and The Book of Ichigo Ichie (Penguin Random House, 2019), together with Francesc Miralles, a journalist who specializes in psychology and spirituality.
Héctor García official website

Text Miho

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In the digital age, getting time to yourself is more difficult than you might think. In other words, it’s not easy to be fully immersed in something or find new values from being alone. Ironically, the new coronavirus has given many people the opportunity to stay at home by themselves.

Due to the frequency of forest fires in Australia and the United States, forest fire monitors, who prevent fires from their mountaintop watchtowers is an essential profession. The monitors spend several months in summer alone in the wilderness. Sarah Drummond teaches at university and works as a writer. She became a forest fire monitor a few years ago and spends the summer in isolation at the top of a mountain. What is it like facing daily loneliness be it in nature or not? Sarah was friendly but independent in the interview.

— You have various titles, such as university professor, writer, and forest fire monitor, but what are you doing now?  

Sarah Drummond: It’s winter in Australia now, so I’m lecturing at university.  For distraction, I go fishing by myself.  During summer when forest fires occur, I sit in a watchtower at the top of Frankland looking after the forest. I listen to music on the radio all day, and watch for smoke in the mountains.  It is sometimes boring when on duty, but you need to be careful. I’ve been a monitor for 3 years, but I often feel uneasy with the unknown qualities of Nature.

—How do forest fire monitors spend their days?

Sarah: I listen to the radio in the watchtower and check the weather, temperature, humidity, wind direction, etc. every hour.  I sometimes encounter tourists in the mountains and chat with them.

—Why did you decide to become a monitor?

Sarah: A friend of mine was a watchman. When he quit, he recommended me as his successor. I love this job because I’m surrounded by the beauty of nature.  I was interested in environmental conservation, and when I learned the cause of forest fires, I thought it necessary to control the situation in line with the nature of the forest. Australia has a long history of forest fires, but the forests always grow back and animals return.

—What do you do in your time alone?  

Sarah: I read and write. I’ve recently connected to the internet, so I watch a lot of movies. I haven’t had internet access for 5 years, but life is easier now. I walk and cook at the beach with my dog. I also like to go fishing by myself in the evening on weekends.  I enjoy living the quiet life and being in tune with nature.

—Do you like solo activities?

Sarah: yes, it’s relaxing to spend time alone. It is particularly important to be able to solve problems on your own.  For example, if someone close to you dies you strengthen your ability to overcome sadness at such times when you are used to spending time alone.

I was repairing a leak in my house yesterday. “If you had a partner, they would help you!” No, I don’t think so (laughs). But when I was dating, I had doubts about what he could do for me and what I could do for him. I can take care of myself. For example, when you go fishing, you may cooperate with others, but when something happens, you have to do it by yourself. In the end, I think everything needs to be solved on its own.

—More and more people are finding value in solo life to face themselves. Your lifestyle seems privileged, but how did people around you react when you started living like this?

Sarah: When I started living here, I didn’t have any electricity and people were worried if I was all right alone. When I first moved here, a wild dog, as big as a lion, would run around my house at night. I was too scared to sleep that day.  Hunters came to the area, and they put men’s boots outside the house and protected me. But now people around me treat me with respect, so I’m not afraid at all. Some people think it’s old-fashioned that I work in the watchtower, but others think it’s great. There are many people who want to be a forest fire monitor.

—Did the pandemic disrupt your life?

Sarah: Not really. We’re not on lockdown here and you can go to the beach, so I’m not as stressed as the people living in town. I am worried that the situation will continue. The other day, I mistakenly ate a poisonous mushroom and got very sick. And my closest neighbour is 25km away. I’m worried about being found should something happen during the pandemic.  When I was self-isolating, I read books that would let me escape from reality, rather than non-fiction, to alleviate any anxiety I felt.

My writing didn’t go as planned. It’s hard to write about kissing and sex under the current conditions, and I don’t feel like kissing (laughs). My new book will be published in November.  I want to stay here and make my home more comfortable. I also want to be kinder to myself and others. When the pandemic began, I started thinking that being kind was more important than anything else.

—Do you have any advice for people who have started a solo lifestyle?

Sarah:1 I don’t think you can be mentally independent unless you are comfortable with being alone. Having a routine to improve yourself is also important.  Having a dog is also good, as they make a good companion.

Sarah Drummond
Born in Australia. She received her Ph.D. in History from Murdoch University. She has written several novels and won the Best Australian Essays (Austrian Essay Award) in 2010.   She has worked as a barista, a landscape gardener, university professor, forest fire monitor and radio support during the summer.  She lives on the southern coast of Western Australia.

Pictures provided by Sarah Drummond
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In sex education, solo sex, i.e., masturbation is said to make you love yourself and increase your sense of self-affirmation. The idea is that you will become comfortable accepting others and naturally become kinder to everyone. Being alone is an important time for a person to face oneself and touching your body for pleasure is synonymous with reconfirming yourself. Sex Educator and popular blogger CarlyS talks charitably about solo sex.  

——How did you become a sex-educator?

Carly: I used to work for Harley Davidson. There, I discovered there is a lot of discrimination towards sex and race. Even with this going on, I found out that a sex toy shop would open, so I applied for a supervisor’s job. I received guidance from wonderful people at sex education workshops. The workshop participants were given advice on how to enrich their lives and get pleasure through sex.

——You’re currently working on promoting body-positivity and as a sex educator, right?

Carly: There aren’t many sex educators that look like me, but although it was hard at first, I managed to become successful. The mainstream is an appearance game, popularizing people who are thin and beautifully tanned, like the models in “Victoria’s Secret.”  People like me who have white skin and a lot of tattoos are not as popular. So, many people wonder how I can be confident in myself.  

——How did you gain confidence in yourself?

Carly: My mother raised me for many years to feel beautiful no matter how I looked. Everyone has something beautiful about them. I was lucky to be able to grow up believing in myself and being strong.  I was blessed with my family, my best friends, and the people I’ve worked with. My colleagues are truly kind and mentors I respect. This was all a good influence on me and helped me become an educator.

——Carly’s blog “TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE”, You write solo sex helping body positivity.  When did you start thinking that way?

Carly: I guess it was when I was in college. I left my parents’ home in New York and went to a competitive university in Pennsylvania, but there were so many people who discriminated against me. I was laughed at and became suspicious of everything. I attended music school and worked in the student section. I also worked as a stripper. I also ended up going to court with the police as a witness to a murder case. The course work was difficult, and I later returned to New York later to get my degree, but I didn’t have any time for myself because I was spending all my time with others. I was able to love myself through solo sex and found that I better communicate with others. When you discover how to pleasure your body through exploration, you will be able to give pleasure to others.

All these experiences have made me stronger. Even if I were ashamed and had low self-confidence, I strongly wanted to inspire others, so I would have acted positively to overcome the difficulties.

——Are there any rules for solo sex?

Carly: Don’t hurt people or use animals or children. Other than that, there’s no wrong way to do it.  Just touch and feel your body. Typical methods don’t necessarily apply to your pleasure, so you should try many things.

When I was working at the sex toy shop, I found that what applies to me doesn’t necessarily apply to others. I think it’s important to feel pleasure on your own. First, it is important to know your desires and explore what turns you on. Using a vibrator or other sex toy to discover your G-spot and find out what feels good when touching yourself is normal. I want everyone to be happy through sex.

——Do your followers enjoy solo sex?

Carly: They enjoy solo sex with different forms, toys and accessories. I have a lot of questions about toys, but I ask questions such as which parts of my body are looking for stimulation, how much stimulation I want, and what kind of feeling I like. Feel your own senses and respond to them as necessary.  

——Has the pandemic affected your thinking?

Carly: Not really, but I think about how to help keep people connected with each other and how to relieve stress. I give advice when people have stress-related suppressed libido, and I also help people connect with their partners when separated by distance.

I pray that many people will be able to live in balance.  I want you to feel pleasure and relieve stress. I work with New Yorkers in particular, so I think it’s important to breathe deeply and calm down no matter what happens. Many New Yorkers are always stressed and when they attend my seminars, they can relax and give themselves permission to breathe deeply and many feel liberated by it.

Recently, she has been writing articles, answering user questions, and running her website, Spectrum Boutique an online sex toy shop. We also produce pornography and hold webinars. We’ve held summits in the past to appeal to free sexual expression, and we’re planning to hold solo sex seminars and digital conferences in the near future.

——Has there been any change in your followers?

Carly: I think they’ve changed in a good way. I’m more interested in toys and spending time with myself. Toy sales are also increasing, so more and more people are enjoying solo sex. I’m putting a lot of effort into SNS. I specialize in toys, so I’m focusing on giving my followers and users tips and advice on how to use them. The advise is give doesn’t change much based on gender. Our bodies are similar, and I will introduce you to a toy that is easy to use if you are a beginner. I want you to find what gives you the most pleasure.

——Is there a good way to increase self-estem?

Carly: There are a lot of tips on my website, but the most important thing is to take care of yourself. Take care of the parts of your body that you don’t like when in the bath and pour your love into it. For example, my feet are really dry so I apply my favorite lotion. Starting by caring about things you don’t usually pay attention to is important. It is also important to praise yourself every day, and honestly accept when people praise you instead of denying it.  You don’t know who is having a hard time, so praise people for any little thing, such as their smile or their outfit. Expanding your energy by bringing little sparks of joy to someone’s day could make all the difference for them.

If it’s going to been a long day just getting up and having breakfast is special. It’s great just to be able to do something. Don’t think too hard when giving praise, something simple about my appearance, such as “You have beautiful brown eyes!” is perfect.

——You always work with compassion, don’t you?

Carly: Do you know Mr. (Fred) Rogers? He was the host of the popular American children’s show “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood” and was a long-running show from the 1960’s and I loved watching it. He accepted any child and treated them kindly. I saw people attacking each other and always wished they could empathize and understand each other more. Puberty is difficult. From my own experience of bullying, I want people who are being bullied now, to know that it’ll be over someday, so everything will be fine.

Calm down and be positive to change the world. I’m also trying to change my mind to be more positive. For example, when I see people wearing pajamas on the subway, some people may make fun of them, but I think it’s fine if they’re having fun. I don’t care at all if someone speaks ill of me. They just don’t understand my taste. I understand that it’s impossible for everyone to have the same hobbies.

We plan to create a production company in the future. With body positivity, I want to create work that makes viewers feel comfortable, confident, and sexy.  I want to find a place where they can be satisfied because I want somewhere that I’m satisfied. I want to shoot in a studio, a bar, or at home, but in New York City everything is expensive.  In any case, I want to get away from New York, so I might start out in the suburbs.

Carly・S
Born in New York and lives in the Bronx. Vibrator Queen of Wands. Sex entertainment, porn star, model, sex blogger. She has been featured as a sex outlet in numerous media and events, including Pleasure Chest, the oldest sex toy shop in New York, Exxxota, the largest adult event in the United States, and cosmopolitan in global media.  Currently, she has expanded her activities and contributes articles as a body-positive sex writer and holds seminars and events.
https://www.dildoordildont.com/

Picture provided  Carly・S
Text Miho

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In our current times where things have become digitalized, it can be more difficult than previously imagined to secure your own time. In other words, it’s not very easy to enjoy something alone to our heart’s content, or to find the time discover some new values that we didn’t even know we had. Ironically, however, the need to stay holed up at home due to the coronavirus pandemic has provided an opportunity for many people to get some much-needed alone time.

The truth is that the idea of going solo has been quietly in the making for certain activities in New York since before the coronavirus. For Japanese, the image of families and big groups of friends in other countries getting together for a meal is a symbol of happiness, which means the idea of enjoying “going solo” in other countries is something we might find hard to imagine. So what’s it all about?

Anita Lo opened Annisa, a contemporary American restaurant, in 2000. A top chef, she was ranked Most Influential Woman by Crain’s New York Business. Her book Solo: A Modern Cookbook for a Party of One helped popularize the concept of eating alone in the United States. In our interview, Anita advocates alone time, and we get a sense of her passion on making individual freedom a top priority.

——The image of the family eating together around a table is often seen as a symbol of happiness in America, so why did your decide to publish “Solo,” a book of cooking-for-one recipes in 2018?

Anita Lo: It’s not that I’m advocating solo, but I do believe balance is key. It is really quite important everyone have their own time. For example, people coming from large families may have many friends that they need to spend time with, yet they also need time alone. And they do find it.

——It’s no longer unusual in New York for people to eat alone at a restaurant or bar. What do you think was the trigger for the idea of doing things solo taking hold?

Anita: It’s different depending on where you are in the U.S., but in large cities like New York, many people are now used to doing things alone most of the time. Our regulars at Annisa included people who always came and ate alone. One of them decided not to fix his refrigerator after it broke, instead opting to eat out.

There are lots of people like him, who decided to start eating out alone without much of a reason—which means it’s not unusual at all anymore, for people to do things on their own. Some conversations are better suited to the bar counter rather than the dining table. And so, counterintuitively, enjoying time alone can actually lead to a situation where you can make new friends. It’s better that people have no qualms about eating alone.

Eating alone (purposefully creating alone time) makes us feel alive

——In your book “Solo,” it stood out in my mind how you say that people don’t necessarily need to eat the same thing even when they’re eating together as a family—and that each person should eat what they like. How did you come to think like this?

Anita: If possible I do think it’s better for everybody in the family to eat together, but some people have allergies, and that means that sometimes a single dish isn’t necessarily good for everyone. At Annisa, our staff used to sit down together and eat as part of working at our restaurant, but we had people of different religions and tastes; that is, some people couldn’t eat pork for religious reasons, or they were vegetarians, etc., so I made something different for them. A basic concept of cooking is that we really need to think about the people we’re cooking for; after all, it’s about making each individual happy!

——Is it challenging to make different food for different family members?

Anita: Of course, that is true, but I’m a believer in simple-and-easy. In my opinion it’s important for children in particular to have meals with lots of variety, which also helps them to get exposed to different types of cuisines from different cultures. I also think it’s an important part of educating kids about food.

——In your book you describe how cooking for yourself can be a blissful and powerful experience. Do you think this is also true of not only married couples but also of people with children?

Anita: Yes, as long as it doesn’t cause any problems for anybody. I think it’s a good idea to be by yourself at times in modern life. It is fun to spend time with somebody over a meal, and not necessarily dinner. Yet it’s also quite blissful to have little time that we don’t have to share with anyone. Meanwhile, of course, I don’t reject the idea of eating together with somebody!

——How does doing things solo affect us mentally?

Anita: Having time alone and being lonely are two totally different things. When you feel alone and left out, it’s easy to feel lonely, and we want to be with other people. At the same time, I truly believe we feel alive when we take some time to ourselves. It’s also a way to re-discover yourself.

——Some of the recipes in the book are described as ideal dinners-for-one, such as the “Smoky Eggplant and Scallion Frittata.” In what sense are these recipes good for people eating solo?

Anita: It’s because these dishes can be prepared fast—in 30 minutes or less—requiring only simple ingredients, and they’re also designed for quick cleanup. You don’t have to think about other people, and you can decide on your meal depending on your mood and how you feel physically that day.

——Do you make any special dishes for yourself?

Anita: Everything I make is special! (laughs). But when I’m at home I don’t make the kind of complex, time-consuming dishes that I would at my restaurant. It’s really not necessary for me. And I guess we as individuals decide what’s special for us.

Post-corona solo eating: frugal cooking to minimize resources and cost

——After closing Annisa, a restaurant that earned you a Michelin star, you published a book on recipes-for-one. How do you feel looking back?

Anita: Well, I have a lot less stress! I used to travel before the coronavirus outbreak, and I worked at a tour company called “Tour de Forks,” which I own together with a friend. We offered food tours to places around the world, and it was a lot of fun. We also gave cooking lessons during these tours, and we did charity projects.

——Have you found that your lifestyle changed since the stay-at-home order went into effect?

Anita: I’d already made a shift to being primarily home since before the pandemic, but I’ve never experienced anything like this. More and more Americans are trying to make their time at home a little better by challenging themselves to new recipes. And everybody’s buying flour for baking, so you can’t even get any! (laughs). I think it’s wonderful that people are challenging themselves to new recipes.

——How do you think solo eating will change so that it can continue to exist after the coronavirus pandemic?

Anita: It’s about optimizing our busines models. I believe that we will recover, but it may take some time for things to get on track. For instance we need to generate a profit with just 50% of the customer levels we’re used to. I’m thinking about the idea of “frugal cooking” to minimize both cost and the resources we use.

——Your cuisine seems to be influenced by Japanese food. Are there specific things you like about Japanese food and culture?

Anita: I love Japanese food! I’m extremely impressed with the concept of using fresh ingredients and drawing out the inherent flavors of those ingredients, not to mention the seasoning. If I were to choose a travel destination mainly for its food—the idea of sampling different foods as you make your way around—I would definitely choose Japan! I went to Hokkaido last year. It was winter and the food was absolutely amazing, especially the seafood! I used to think Japanese prices were high but, compared to New York, food prices are actually quite reasonable. I was really surprised by that. Once the coronavirus pandemic settles down, I’d like to go again right away. Right now what I miss most is Japanese sushi!

Anita Lo
Born in Michigan, U.S., Anita graduated from Columbia University, later enrolling at the culinary school L’Ecole Ritz-Escoffier. Returning to New York after graduating from the latter, she worked as a chef at restaurants such as Mirezi. In 2000, she opened Annisa together with business partner Jennifer Scism, which was awarded a Michelin star in the first Michelin Guide for New York City in 2006. Since closing Annisa in 2015, Anita runs a travel company. Her publications include Solo: A Party of One for a Party of One, Knopf, 2018.

Picture Provided Anita Lo
Text Miho

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